A Poem of Child Abuse

The Secret

The worse thing about abuse is that you aren't supposed to tell anyone. The abuser makes it known that telling someone about what is going on will result in some kind of pay back. For me, I was threatened with being locked up in a mental institution and noone believing me if I told. As a kid, I believed this in fact would be the case. My family was outstanding citizens in the community, so why would anyone believe me. I hid the bruises from my teachers, and made excuses to avoid gym. The bruises were my secret, and I feared the world would find out. I protected my mom because I felt it was all my fault. If I could only be a better kid, I wouldn't be beat. I believed this because it is what I was told, almost everyday. I finally shared my secret when I was about to graduate from highschool. I told a teacher that I admired. I remember the stammering words as they fell out of my mouth. I couldn't believe I told. I waited for my teacher's disapproval, but instead recieved a big hug. She actually believed me, and this would be my first step to living. I feared she would tell others, and my family would find out. But, she left that up to me. I decided to leave home right before graduation, hiding at my teacher's house. I was afraid of killing myself before I reached 18. I had all I could take. I was almost ready to be on my own, free from the abuse. I managed to stay hidden until I graduated. My family showed up on graduation day, and I shook as I caught them in the corner of my eye. As I received my diploma, I felt guilty for telling on my family. That sick, twisted voice inside kept telling me it was all my fault. I returned back home following my graduation night. My freedom was gone, and the abuse even worse than before. Why would I go back? Only those that have been through the cycle of abuse can understand. I felt I had to, I knew no better. But, I did have the memories of those few days of freedom in my mind. I finally left for good a few months later to go to college. As stated before in another blog, I thought it would all be left behind when I left, but I was wrong. I had to work through all the garbage that had been a part of my life for so long. I had to learn to live.

Emotional Abuse-What it Does to You

This video echoes what is in my heart. Emotional abuse for me was worse than being hit. Words seem to hit harder, leaving more damage. It may be hidden, but believe me it is there, for a lifetime. Not feeling good enough has been a constant struggle for me. I do daily affirmations to try to counteract these negative thoughts.

Get Over It

So, I had a screwed up childhood, and here I am. I had a choice to keep wallowing in all the self-pity or make the best out of it all. Don't get me wrong, my choice was suicide, but I never got it right. It just landed me in the psychiatric hospital, in a room with rubber. Not exactly how I wanted to continue my life. So, as I mentioned, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at some point, depression at another, anorexia, and so forth. All of these manifestations of what I had been through. I remember making the conscious choice to be something else. I did not want to be a messed up person. It was my life, and I had to live it, despite my past. Thankfully, I had many people in my life that loved me and helped me through this difficult process. It's kind of hard to move through life when you don't know who you are and are too depressed to care. Then on top of it, you are starving yourself to death, while drinking as much as you can before passing out. I suppose that was the hardest thing about going to AA-introducing myself. Hi, I'm Zippy, and I'm a Co-dependent, depressed, self-destructive, skinny biatch, have no self-identity, etc...alcoholic. Jeez, it took forever. LOL. My point is is that if I made it this far in my life, so can anyone. None of us are unique. Live until you can not live anymore. Let go of the pain, it only hurts you.

Borderline Personality Disorder Video

Medical Crisis-Please Help

Borderline Personality Disorder

I was at one time diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Basically, I was messed up as a person. What did this really mean? Border Personality Disorder is a chronic, long-term problem that affects a person's self-esteem, relationships, work...etc. BPD people are very self destructive with tendencies of drinking, eating disorders,and drug abuse. Many who suffer from this illness are victimes of child abuse. There is an increased sense of abandonment, and people with this disease will do anything to not experience this act. Relationships are very intense, love to hate constantly. There is only black and white to be seen, no in between. All is good or all is bad. Self-identity is lost which complicates the situation. Other symptoms include feelings of emptiness and boredom, frequent displays of anger, impulsiveness with money, drugs, sex, binge eating, shoplifting, problems with being alone, recurrent acts of self-violence such as cutting, suicide attempts, etc.

Counseling and sometimes hospitalization is needed as an on-going treatment process. I am here to tell you that it is possible to get better. I still do not do well with relationships, but my relationship with myself is much better. I know who I am today which is great progress. It is all a journey, but the hopelessness that I used to feel becomes less and less as time goes by. If you or someone you know experiences the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder, seek help immediately. There is always hope for those who choose to help themselves.

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The Mind-Body Connection At The Cellular Level

Traumatic events have both a direct and indirect effect upon the human body. Some events can be so devastating to cause complete amnesia. Research has shown that the physical body stores the memories at the cellular level allowing the body to remember what the mind forgets. Massage and other touch therapies can access the cllular memory, thus allowing for the occurrence of flashbacks, abusive recalls and emotional releases. This is in fact how I began and continue to work through my issues of child abuse.
Ellen Bass, a psychotherapist and author of The Courage To Heal, reports "the body remembers what the mind chooses to forget and that memories are stored in our bodies. It is possible to re-experience the terror of abuse." You may ask, why would I want to re-experience such pain? I asked the same question, but is important for well-being. I became chronically sick at the age of 18. I was diagnosed with seizures and lupus. I believe these illnesses were a direct result of the trauma of my childhood. It was in working through the issues, I began to be more healthy.
Massage and Craniosacral therapy were extremely useful in my journey to releasing the bad experiences. The power of touch is a valuable tool.

Trust

Child abuse victims have no trust for anyone, including themselves. After being let down time and time again, it is very hard to trust anything in your life. I always wanted to believe that the abuse would stop, if only this or only that, etc. Today, I still have trust issues. When trying to make a relationship work, it is the trust factor that tears it all apart. I have a hard time just loving someone and trusting that it is real. The trust has to become from within myself. If I can trust me, then I can trust someone else. Abuse of any sort creates a sense of doubt. The key is in finding someone that understands this issue, and allows the time it takes to build that trust. Hence,a true love of one another can take place.

Learning How To Love Yourself

The basic underlying problem that I have had to overcome is learning how to love myself. It sounds a little corny, but if I don't care about me, who will? I have come a long way in this lesson, mostly by trial and error. Having people in your life that love you for you is the first step. It rubs off in some way. Most of the actions I have taken in my life were because I hated myself. I drank, hurt others, sabatoged every success that I had because I did not love myself. I could not allow myself to be happy, therefore everyone around me were also unhappy. I was hell to be around at times. They say you hurt the ones you love, and unfortunately I have found that to be true. I could not keep going without loving myself enough to quit trying to kill myself. That was the key to my survival. I am able to love myself most of the time nowadays. It is a continuing lesson that I am learning. Louise Hays, author of Loving Yourself, helped me tremendously on my journey.

Concrete Angel by Lora Merriman

YOUTUBE VIDEO on Child Abuse....